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Pages: Back after short hiatus-Thanksgiving [1]
Author Topic: Back after short hiatus-Thanksgiving

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2011-01-30 6-05-55-

Back after short hiatus-Thanksgiving SO had a nasty argument last night with his ex on the phone about us having the for the long TG weekend, even though it is his turn, and he took extra time off for it. We are taking the girls to my parents', and my parents are generous, love the and always make it a good time. This is why the ex didn't want us to have them, because it pisses her off that the can have a nice time with my family and that my family is so giving. It's nuts, I know. I think she's scared they will love my family, but so what if they do. She's a fool because her daughters love her more than anything. Anyway. How do we have fun and keep the happy when I know that they are going to talk to their mom TG day and she will grill them, and they usually come away feeling a little guilty about liking their weekend and being with my family? I want them to feel good, and not feel like I am trying to deflect anything. I hate that their mom does this.
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Posts: 16

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2011-02-01 7-19-40-

Ex should not do this to ! Many counselors advise divorcing couples not to put in middle - it will affect them! Sadly, you may need to document it when she does this and perhaps bring it up to a lawyer at some point.
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Posts: 14

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2011-02-03 2-48-30-

It's sad when parents try to play their as puppets and ammo. I don't see much you can do other than keep things as positive for them as you can. Unfortunately, you cannot change what she will do or say, you can only help them have fun. You have the option of not having them talk to their mom on TG, but that's kind of selfish if they do want to talk to her. At the same time, it's very selfish of her to ruin her fun time with you. Good luck
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2011-02-03 11-31-05

I forgot to mention how much I hated it when my parents did this to me. Just be the bigger parent and as they get older, they will realize what she did and thank you for the positive role model.
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    2011-02-03 21-59-45

    just let it be what it is It wouldn't be your place to make sure the aren't feeling guilty, you have no control over that. I've been in that situation before. Best to just enjoy and help them enjoy, and be supportive of their love for their mother. The more love they receive from everyone, the better. Eventually their mother will learn to accept this. Just live and let live, Thanksgiving is the best holiday of the year IMO!
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  • kall

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    2011-02-04 9-39-33-

    Maybe she's a fool, but isn't it possible that she feels a little threatened by a new family. She probably just needs a little reassurance of her place in their lives.
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    2011-02-09 6-59-09-

    This could be true I hadn't thought about it. However, she really should grow up because she is remarried and takes care of hers and new husband's , and when we try to get kid for more mundane weekends, she taunts my SO with comments like "we're having a family barbecue" or "it's a FAMILY gathering". So maybe she's projecting her nastiness. Uh, my SO is their FATHER, not STEP father. Makes me so mad. I have seen him cry over this before. Anyway, we don't pull this shit on them or her, we just, be. I l;earned a lot from MY stepmom on how to navigate these waters.
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    2011-02-21 17-27-17

    It pisses me off becauseof how she says it I have been present when she has said this. She says it like they are having an event with their NEW dad, like my SO isn't their dad. It really is very clear that she is being nasty tohim. But he doesnt want a scene in front of his and does not want to be responsible for making the see what a bitch she can be. That's not his nor my job. Our job is to just love them. But I know what's coming...
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    Posts: 15

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    2011-03-01 2-15-46-

    so quit being pissed off you want to control everything, this time start with yourself. Don't let her piss you off. The more you ignore these things, the quicker they go away. really they do. If no ever responded to any of your posts here would you leave? It works the same with her. Simply don't feed it, you have to pretend at first, but then it comes naturally. Really MPN, wouldn't it be great if *you* were the to put an end to this? Not only for you, but the . Try it.
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    2011-03-03 7-02-15-

    They're teenagers. They know the drill and it probably affects them less than you think it does, at this point. Just have your nice holiday, don't overthink it or overplay it. Don't hover when they talk on the phone or ask how the conversation went. If they seem down afterward, your fi should give them a hug and tell them how much he loves them and how proud he is of them. Then let it go.
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    2011-03-03 15-17-29

    I like this We don't hover, at all. We just tell them when it's time to their mom and let them be. I will mention the part about hugs and such to dad, though.
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    Posts: 12

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    2011-04-03 0-09-41-

    this is good and remember they'll feed off your SO and you. Don't make a big deal, don't keep asking them how they are, they're big enough to handle this. For all intents and purposes, ignore the whole thing and just do what you'd do if there was no ex.
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    2011-07-24 16-59-54

    Yet again... Trying to control that which you can't. You can't control how mom talks to the and what she asks them and what she says. So just go have a good time and let it happen.
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    Posts: 32

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    2011-11-10 0-06-45-

    People seriously underestimate the power of being rude. How about when you drop the off, or she picks them up just hand her a pen and paper and tell her not to miss anything when she grills them. I am all for saying "Oh, she feels threatened". You know what? That does not mean squat. Tell her flat out her ish fucking attitude needs adjustment. YOU dont treat the like pawns, you EXPECT her to do the same. They are , they are not to be treated like prisoners of war every time they come home and made to spill. And then turn around and leave.
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    2012-07-19 18-32-55

    Great advice. Pour gasoline on the fire . . . that will make her change her attitude. She's going to live up to what MPN "expects" because . . . why? Because she was so impressed with her forceful delivery? Because the wit of those remarks floored her? Because MPN is a person to whom she looks up and respects? What a load. MPN, live your happy life in your home with the ren. You CANNOT change or affect their mother's behavior - not by being nice, not by being rude. Let it go.
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  • Livy

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    2012-12-24 12-03-09

    Just my opinion. You dont address the situation, dont bitch about it. Sure you can tell the to downplay and answer short "we had a good time". That is great from the perspective. The issue is not what they say, it is what SHE is doing to them. If I was in that situation, that is what I would do. I try tact when I can, but if tact fails, I find being rude gets the point across.
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    2013-11-05 13-55-19

    MPN has absolutely NO influence on the ex except, perhaps, the ability to influence the ex to do exactly what will piss off MPN & her fi the most. Your "opinion" on this matter is absolutely ridiculous and it is clear that you have no experience dealing with exes, ren, and blended families. Your advice to "get rude" would do nothing but harm.
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  • wesley

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    2014-07-06 10-01-43

    Eh, your opinion. And I will give you "part" of that, she may not have a LOT of influence, but as she is part of the blended family, yes she does have some influence. And why does she have to be pissed about it to address the situation? Address it. Or maybe the father should... gee act on behalf of his and their happiness by addressing it? If he isnt willing, then she should. They stay under HER roof also.
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    2015-02-03 20-55-23

    Way to take the high road and set an example.
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    2015-09-21 21-39-09

    Hey, sometimes the high road has a traffic jam. Take a detour. It works.
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