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Pages: A little advice needed [1]
Author Topic: A little advice needed
butenhoff

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2011-01-30 14-46-55

A little advice needed I have been following this for a while now and really have not seen anything like what I am experiencing.....I have been married for 13 years..3 ....I myself have done alot of soul searching in the last 2 yrs. as I have turned 40...maybe that is common, don't know?...I have come to the realization that my wife and I no longer share the same ideas, wants, etc...I know all about the Languages of Love and all the theraopy stuff but nothing I seem to try is ever good enough....as I am sure she feels the same, however I am not communicating this to her and she has no problem doing so.....when she does communicate she does it in a hurtful, demanding way that has to this point only served to drive me further away....I too am at fault here for not standing up...I too am at fault for being passivse aggressive...With all of that said, there has been a long history of Verbal abuse....some of which I let slide but hten some that I take in....which has led me to not want to be with her any longer....I do not feel any emotion toward her that could be considered Love in my book....But yet even though she has asked me to leave countless times I don't...in my mind I am staying there to be a father to my ren..however there is a part of me that does not want them to have to experience the drama that goes on on a daily basis, and think they have to walk on eggshells around there spouse.....I know this is only a snapshot of the story but maybe someone out there can give me some encouragement to do what is right by my ren....Question is: Should I put my tail between my legs and be the passive husband that I had been before, or leave???
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beatty

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2011-02-02 10-06-11

Why does it have to be accept it or leave? Why not work on the relationship? You've acknowledged some things in your own behavior that contributed to the problem. WHy not work on changing those? You wife just might follow suit. You sau you know all about the therapy stuff. But have you actually been to a therapist?
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stallsmith

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2011-02-02 11-08-37

Been there done that the therapist thing for myself and the relationship....I am working on myself and changing the way I want to change... What do you mean by change my behaviors?? To what who wants??
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amery

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2011-02-02 14-04-12

Like the passive aggressive stuff and not communicating with your wife. Work on that. What kinds of things did you used to like to do together? What brought you together in the first place?
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Maybelle

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2011-02-02 21-57-41

Im confused.. You have been following 'this' (I assume you mean this forum) for a while now and you havent seen what you are experiencing??? Dude.. 72% of the posts on here are about exactly what you are asking. Here is posted recently even.
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sealy

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2011-02-04 6-31-09-

Yep gotcha.. I realize 72% of what's on here is the same...just written differently I guess....
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  • Bambi

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    2011-02-04 7-22-25-

    irreconcilable differences I feel like you sometimes.Only my feeling is not about my spouse but more so with friends , acquaintances,people who drove me away from their lives and discouraging me from wanting to connect with them eventually. Some people go on accrediting themselves for their unacceptable behavior after having been warn several times about the same issue and yet, they manage to disregard my concern entirely while they're wondering why I want nothing to do with them.
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  • niblett

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    2011-02-04 14-00-29

    You..are in a bad spot..I'd say @#$% but I gave up my profanity on this forum for the day. Your situation is NOT that uncommon, nor are your reactions to the tension you feel. Believe it or not, it's somewhat common and a familiar tale. Why do you think counselors are even in existence? Because people struggle with these things, the black and white situation becomes grey when it comes to our own lives. First and foremost, you don't know how your wife feels. Oh, I'm sure you have an idea and your gut is telling you somethings but you don't KNOW. The real question is how bad do you want to find out? Do you really want answers to your questions or is it not worth the hassle, the heartburn and the blow up it may cause?...I stress MAY, as in highly likely from your discription but not guaranteed. Some may actually depend on your approach. It's pretty difficult to love someone you can't trust with what's going on, there's no way to feel like they care. Actions start to become passive, self serving and stay in protection mode. They're hard to hide too, people pick up on it when they are around you and sense the dishonesty. It erodes their confidence in you. They will look back at this like it was a lie when it all blows up, they feel cheated, wronged. Standing up and taking the risks is HARD because the consequences are real but necessary to ensure the respect needed to truly have a trust in what we stand for. and if you haven't figured it out yet...everything in there is about YOU and how you feel toward YOURSELF. Take that focus and turn it inward a bit and give yourself the honesty you need to make the right decision. I think it will be clear, difficult as he...sorry no profane language..um heck, but that's the way to pulling yourself out of this mess.
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    adrian

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    2011-02-28 4-41-41-

    Dont leave yet. you've endured worse. I'm curious...you say that your wife says hurtful things. What sort of hurtful things and are they true? Friend, you sound broken...your spirits crushed. What can be done? Counselling obviously, but what else? See, the thing is something went wrong in your relationship with your wife. If you left the marriage and found another woman without figuring out what happened, odds are that you would have the same scenario again. And again. Thats destructive. So, what happened? I am assuming that there was a time in this relationship that she did not scream and yell and say hurtful things. If I am wrong and she was ing you shitty names before you married her, youre a fool for marrying her. Usually in a case like this, something happens to where a woman loses all respect for her man and she browbeats him. When did everything go wrong? Dont know? She does. Its that thing that happened long ago that she brings up during your worst fights.
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    honsinger

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    2011-06-14 0-14-43-

    I CAN RELATE TO YOU I am in a very similar situation. I will tell you what I have been thinking to myself... Ultimately this will boil down to you and your life. You have only chance on earth. You dont get a second shot..x yrs. is a long time and even minimal time of verbal abuse is wrong. You need to stay strong and do what is best for yourself. The ren will be better off in x separate loving environments than x environment filled w/tension and arguing etc. If you have nothing resembling love for this woman it may just be time to move on. You said that yourself and w/that being said there is no justification for being in the relationship. Its hard not to take in some blows when you have somebody constantly badgering you about your flaws (in their opinion)..no man/woman needs that in their life...period. It makes you feel like less of a person and over time can/will make you even more passive and ppossibly depressed. You need to man up, get out. As far asthe ren are concerned, I would suggest coming up w/an agreement to have them, and let her have them as well. You also stated that she most likely feels the same way as you so this should be easier than you might think. She may be asking friends/family the same question you are. It is hard to leave, but you gotta just do what is best for yourself and your ren.
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  • elting

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    2011-11-10 12-55-07

    I'm sorry for your dilemma. Any chance you could take the to grandma's and calmly discuss this with your wife - and for all? I watched my son in a similar situation. He stayed when he should've left, all sorts of drama, no backb Taking long drives when she ranted, always trying to diffuse the situation, returning late when she was asleep. Then business as usual, until the next time. And the next. In the end, they split anyway, only now there's a new baby in the mix. If she wants a divorce, I would give her Work out equitable terms and share custody, if at all possible. But staying in an ugly marriage that she has no interest in working on is not good for the . Also, figure out why you've settled with emotional battering, and do better for yourself. My cents.
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  • soderlund

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    2012-07-21 14-15-41

    how can anyone tell you what level of unhappiness much be reached before leaving? how can any of us know what is in the best interest of your ren? these are things only you can answer. ask us for better ways to communicate - and you'll get a ton of advice. or ask about the best method of bridging the gap you find yourself in with your wife - and everyone will have some ideas. But only YOU can know whether you need to stay or go. My only suggestion is: I know you've already been down the therapy path - or at least, that is what I'm understanding - but instead of focusing on repairing your marriage, could you BOTH focus on communication styles? It seems to me that the verbal abuse and the passive aggressive behavior haven't gotten you anywhere ... so maybe you BOTH need to learn how to communicate. Square Repairing or leaving can be decided later ... but since you have ren, you NEED to develop a way to communicate with each other.
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  • Celestyn

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    2013-03-25 7-14-04-

    you seem to have a unique prespective Yeah right? And the fact you think it is (that kind of thinking is what is giving you this problem). You think you worded your problem different than the countless ones here just like yours. Dude, read other posts that are like yours again, your story sounds exactly the same. You are not unique nor do you have unique issue. What you have is meeeeeee is unhappy and meeeee do not feel like solving this but getting a brand new woman to annoy again. The thing is the new woman will not have x with you to make her chained to you and at the first passive aggressive personality trait – SHE WILL LEAVE YOU! And will delete your number. Nois waiting around a xyrs man who this pathetic! You never actually said anything in your post. WHAT IS THE PROBLEM? If you do not know then how I could, a stranger, help you? There are no major issues in your post to say these are grounds for divorce. You are boring and will be boring afterwards. You said you are passive aggressive and you do not stand up and blahhhhh – so if you leave her WHO THE FUCK IS GONNA PUT UP WITH THAT? Do you really think the grass is greener? Guess what any woman you meet will see this passive aggressive guy who NEVER COMMUNICATES and at the top of that he as x ren and an ex-wife that he abandoned without really fixing his side of the problem. Forget about her side for now! I am glad to inform you that YOU ARE THE ISSUE HERE. Nothing in your post says why you are unhappy and it says plenty of how you are not contributing to stop the communication block – you are actually admitting of contributing to the issue by your extreme narrow thinking. You are x, you will be divorce with x . You will pay twice as much as you are paying now plus DATING – it is not cheap and because you will be in your xs – you will be expected to do more than pizza and pop! You think dating will give you what you do not have but it will only amplify your lack of communication skills, loser in bed and your entire shortcoming as the father WHO NEVER TRIED TO MAKE A PEACE BEFORE HE BOLTED!
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    ochs

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    2014-01-26 0-13-43-

    Your first duty is to be a father who your ren can be proud of. Letting yourself be belitttled and emotionally abused is unacceptable. Is your marriage a good environment for ren and the growth of their bodies, minds, hearts and spirits? If not, change things. I do not think married people with should leave a marriage lightly and should only do so after makng a sincere and honest and real effort to fix things. That means counselling. If after you have given it your all and it still does not work, then it is time to separate in a way that causes the least trauma to the . The should go with the spouse who is mentally and emotionally healthier, who is supportive of them, who is involved with them.
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    forti

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    2015-06-01 7-05-28-

    I vote for leave And I am a of divorce, twice over. No matter how much you'd like to avoid putting your through a messy divorce and no matter how much you think putting on a brave front is for the benefit of your - you're wrong. A messy divorce leads to your learning that accepting a messy marriage is not healthy.
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    bolio

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    2015-10-06 16-10-25

    Time to leave. If you're trying books and therapy but she is unresponsive then there is no hope. Show your that you have some self respect. Show them what a relationship should be like. Don't keep them in this situation any longer, it only teaches them bad habits.
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  • bielak

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    2015-10-21 23-53-00

    The reply he is seeking to validate his desire!
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  • Quan

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    2015-10-26 8-28-41-

    When emotions are lost, there is no turning back
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